I wish you knew that I want to talk to you when I stay online late at night, not to them. Sure I like talking to them, but you are the one I would stay up late for. Instead you send a message and a one word reply then vanish. Seeing you once a month isn’t cutting it for me, I miss you.
Recently someone very close to me had a stroke, he’s only 20. I had been talking to him earlier that day and when I found out about the stroke I didn’t know what to think. Then I find out a few days later that if it had been on the other side of his brain he wouldn’t be able to talk or understand anyone. It truly hit me then how important people in my life are and I can’t fathom living without them. Ever since this happened I have been thinking about the people I care about most and I just don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t talk to them anymore. Then, last night at church I was sitting with a group of friends but when one of them got up to talk to someone there was a gap left between me and one of my best friends since middle school. Granted, we haven’t really been talking much lately but we go through phases like that. But it just seemed differently last night; in the past if someone got up and there was a gap between us we would move so we would be sitting next to each other, that didn’t happen this time. I feel invisible around her now, and it’s not like I need to talk to her everyday like we used to or anything, but I just miss talking to her now and again. I will admit I haven’t made too many efforts to talk to her recently but we are both super busy and our schedules just do not mesh together very well. When this all happened last night I broke down, it was the last straw. Like I said, after my friend’s stroke I have just been lost in thought about how much people mean to me and how they can vanish from my life in an instant. Then noticing how far apart my friend and I have drifted without a real reason, I just couldn’t take it. Thankfully one of my other friends noticed that I was upset and came over to talk to me, if she hadn’t I might have shed a few tears from all the thoughts rushing through my head. I am grateful for my friend coming over to talk to me but it just made it worse in a way, how was it that she noticed I needed to be distraced from 5 people down but the one that I have known since elementary school didn’t even glance my way when she was right next to me? I know people frow apart, and it is no suprise to me that my friend and I have, but it is never fun to be slapped in the face with just how much things have changed. I just don’t want our friendship to fall apart this way, I just don’t know how to mend it either. So to get these thoughts off my chest, and so I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing, I place them here.
It sucks when there are so many things left unsaid. I continuously want to say things and let people know how I truly feel yet I back off at the last minute and they stay stuck in my head until someone drags them out of me or, well, they fade. How can it be that I am so encouraging to others about being trusting but when it comes to me I have such a hard time letting people in completely? I don’t like to believe that I have a wall built around me but the truth is that I do. Sure, I let people in but not as much as I probably should. In a way I am like a museum with a huge section blocked off from the public. A sign announcing the coming attractions but will they ever really come? The sad thing is no one really notices how much I keep to myself. It would be different if people noticed that I have things I don’t want to talk about and every once in a while they tried to break that wall down and save me from my all consuming thoughts. Except no one really notices. Everyone takes what I say at face value simply because I act as though I am an open book. How would they act if they knew the truth? Would our relationships change? Would he stay if I took that leap of faith? Would she understand my side if I told her what I have done? Would anyone understand me? Don’t take this the wrong way, I am not a lost, confused, desperate, attention seeking girl… these are just my thoughts as they flow from my brain to my fingertips.